Withdrawl Symptoms

I Miss Mummy sooooo much!!!! :'(

Being back in 'man' mode has really allowed me to see how easily 'Rosie' regressed with mummy around. This time has allowed me to see how much of a part 'Rosie' and 'Mummy' are in my life now and how much I really do like/want 'need' it.

In reality, it has only been for a short period of time, but for me and little 'Rosie', it seems like it has been forever!

I feel like I am some kind of  an addict withdrawing from drugs!

Over time you don't really fully realise how you change and adapt until you have to suddenly back change again!
I miss the feeling of being submerged in my 'little' role. I miss Mummy and I miss all the special little things that we did and time we have had so far. I miss the dependency and closeness we had. I miss mummies love, affection and acceptance.

I miss the times I just layed in mummies lap and stared up deeply into her loving eyes. In those moments, there was only me and mummy in the whole world! I also miss the closeness and connection of ANR. ANR in itself is a such a bonding act, that when you are suddenly withdrawn from that alone, the acute loss that is felt can be overwhelming!

The adult part of me feels as though something is missing. I know what it is, but another part of me is trying to ignore it. I need to be an adult again for mummies sake! Ultimately, It is my lover and best friend that is not well and at the moment, she needs me to be strong for her. I am constantly hoping and praying that she will get better soon. In the mean time... little Rosie will have to wait before she come out to play again :(

One thing a I have come to learn and love while being a 'carer' is the level of closeness, love and attention that you give without even thinking about it! Your whole list of priorities change and instead of dwelling inside your own head and worrying about how you feel, now you now suddenly have 'greater' responsibilities that you need to fulfill.

I love being Rosie lots and lots and lots.... but ultimately, I love mummy, my lover and soul-mate much, much, much more!

Missing Mummy!

I was not going to include any of the recent developments that have been going on, but at the end of the day, it is part of our journey together... so I have decided to share with you some of the deatils.

Mummy is not well! Mummy has not been very well for a short while now, but things have progressed a lot more quickly just recently.  Mummies stomach stopped working so she was on lots of medication to help it work again.

That failed... and then they put a feeding tube into her mummy to help her get better. Mummy looks funny with the tube in her nose but it makes her better again. It feels funny when i kiss he and it tickles my ickle nose.

I do not know how long mummy will need the tube for or how long it may take for mummy to get better again? I really hope that mummy starts to feel a lots better again coz I miss her in the whole wide world.

Since Mummy got ill, i have not really had the opportunity to get into my 'little' head-space. I have been so concerned and worried for my lover, mummy and  friend that 'fantasy' has had to take a step back. I have had to switch back on to 'man' mode as quickly and efficiaently as i can and try to be there as much as I can for her. My souls mate, my lover and partner needs me! Shje needs me now more than everything in the world and so, it does not matter what role i play, it will have to be the one that is good at fighting the system and gets shit done.

I really miss our breastfeeding times and the feelings that it gave me! I miss being dressed like a little girl or toddler and mummy speaking to me and acting like i really was just a bayy. I miss laying my head down on to mummies                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          to mummy all safe and secure in my nappy and sucking on my dummy! I miss the way Mummy makes me feel! I miss Mummy! I miss being Rosie! Whaaaaahhhhhhh!

Littles Day Out!

Mommy took me and another little girl for a special day out the other day! We went to a special 'adult baby / littles' event in Bristol.

As you can see from the photo, we had great fun playing in the ball pool.

I was very nervous at first! We arrived dressed in normal clothes and then changed once we got there. Being dressed in a nappy and a little girls dress with pink mary jane's, was a bit embarrassing at first.

But when we saw lots of other littles and babies and mummies and aunties, we did not feel as scared. It was the first 'public' event any of us had attended so we didn't know what to expect.

The event had provided a finger buffet and lots of different activities to get involved with. We played pass the parcel and then we had to dance in a competition to win prizes!

I really did feel a bit self conscious at first, but after a while, all that disappeared and we all had a really good day out.

As you can see in the photo, mummy made me wear my toddler reins! None of the other babies and littles had to wear them! Mummy said it was to make sure i was a good girl and didn't run away. I pouted and moaned for a little while, but secretly, i really enjoyed the feeling and extra security of being restrained.

Breastfeeding with Mummy! (Part2)

Over the last few days, Mummy and I have been chatting about the benefits of Breastfeeding. We have both felt some of the benefits of this already; the deeper the trust and connection is, vaster and deeper the feelings of bliss and general arousal there is... But we have also discovered that with continued and constant practice and conditioning, over time these feelings, will be re-enforced and become very natural.

Over the last few days, Mummy and I have been chatting about the benefits of Breastfeeding. Despite all the 'feel good' drugs and hormones that were being produced, we both agrees that at that moment in time, mummy could not afford to give away a single drop of her essential nutrient.

ed producing milkef or a felt some of the benefits of this already; the deeper connection, the feelings of bliss and joy, the erotic arousal... But we also know that with continued and constant practice and conditioning, these feelings will, in time, be re-enforced and become natural.

Mummy can not always 'feed' me when I am in baby mode, but even when she breastfeeds me in 'adult' mode, I still easily regress into a peaceful and childlike state of happiness! Its like I surrender everything so completely that the universe vanishes and all there is is Mummy and me. It is addictive and intoxicating and I know that over time we will actually develop a deep maternal and nurturing bond between us. This really excites and scares me a little bit, to be so utterly dependent and intrinsically bound to someone you love is a huge commitment for both of us.

In a way it is like the ultimate adult baby fantasy, but the more the fantasy becomes real, the more I worry about how it will ultimately effect our dynamic in the long term. A part of me is very submissive and I guess I am a bit of a masochist too. Ultimately, I wonder how far these needs and urges will evolve and manifest as mine and mummies relationship evolves.

When I am fully in the role of 'Rosie', there is no adult me to spoil the experience, but, if i was in adult mode, the thought of wetting myself, dressed a little girl would mortify me!

The more we play and experiment with our 'roles' the more they seem to become real. At some points, it is lime i really am a child that loves, needs and wants her mummy and her constant approval.

There are books written on the 'inter-personal' dynamics of people. Basically it states that we all either identify and relate with 1) Parent mode, 2) Adult mode and 3) child mode. When someone talks back at you from a parental status, it is difficult to respond from an adult mode and vise versa.. When I communicate to ;mummy' in child mode, it was easier for her to respond in 'Adult mode.

Eventually, even though it was a matter of weeks, these 'roles' started to become normalized. Instead of feeling like roles that we were acting out, it allowed each of us to express a part of our being that, once normally hidden and forbidden, felt perfectly natural and normal.

I'm sure that there are millions of definitions of what 'LOVE' is out there. I'm sure that we have all experienced many different types of love, as I myself have experienced a wide spectrum of relationships that I had labelled as love.

However, I am sure I have said it elsewhere in this blog?! The love that i felt for 'mommy' far surpassed anything i had previously felt before! I am not merely saying that because it was 'fun' and i enjoyed it. I am saying that because it was unlike any 'bonding' or relationship i had ever encountered in my current life.

If I was dressed how mummy dressed me and was securely fastened into a nice dry and fresh nappy and i felt girly and cute, I would hold onto a fluffy teddy bear, laying in mummies lap and be in complete heaven. On those occasion (every 4 or 5 hours) that i was to breastfeed, My joy lust, connection to mummy and the bonding was not only increased, but re-enforced too.

Many 'usual' men have dreams of being famous, or a millionaire, a sportsmen, a rocket scientist or something... but not me! At this moment in time, I feel like I am the luckiest and happiest person in the whole wide world. When I am Rosie and I am with Mummy, there is no worlds except me and My mummy!

Breastfeeding with Mummy! (Part1)

Feeding Time!

Like I said in the previous post, I have now been with Mummy for a few months now and we have had the opportunity to explore the dynamic that is slowly evolving between us.

The first few times I was dressed as a baby/little girl, I was so uncomfortable with it all that I kind of 'detached' myself from it all. It was like it was me, but it wasn't me and I was watching it all from a safe distance.

It was around this time that Mummy actually started to lactate! The catalyst for this was down to a medicine Mummy was getting from the doctors (Domperidone). To be honest, even in 'baby mode', I had never even fantasized about being breastfed and the thought of it made me a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassed. Mummy started to express the milk and slowly the quantity started to increase.

We continued to play our Mummy and Baby roles when we got the opportunity and I started to become a bit more comfortable with acting and being treated like a child. I still could not fully let go and I still felt a bit silly wearing a nappy, sucking a dummy and acting like a little girl. Mummy was better at being mummy than I was at being a little girl. Mummy was a natural at it!

After researching about 'Adult Nursing Relationships' (ANR's) and realising the loving and bonding benefits of breastfeeding, I decided to give it a try. After all, isn't that what babies naturally do? Didn't I want to fully explore my adult baby side and see what I found lurking about there? It felt a bit weird for both of us at first. It was like we could not get fully into it. But then, after a few times of trying it and getting into role beforehand.... that magical moment arrived!

Mummy had put me in my nappy and plastic pants and put a really cute play dress on me. I was put into bed and given my pink dummy to suckle on. I was already starting to regress ,but when Mummy started talking to me like I really was a little girl, I really started getting into the role. Mummy then got comfortable and told me it was feeding time... I latched on to her nipple and slowly started to suckle. Dressed like a baby and sucking on Mummy's breast made me feel so childish. I started to feel very peaceful, safe and protected and with each gulp of Mummies milk, I began to drift as though I was on a narcotic high! It felt amazing, more than amazing... I felt a moment of completion, a moment where I felt I didn't need anything else in the whole world. I was with Mummy and I was safe, loved and being cared for in the most primal and basic way any mother and child could.

Meeting Mummy :)

It was amongst my closest kinky friends that I often partied with, that my fantasies and desires really started to become more real. It was Christmas 2010. I had been chatting with a very close friend about my inner child stuff after I realized she acted really childish and said babyish things at times. After chatting about this, she admitted that she would love to try dressing up as a toddler or baby and was up for exploring it all.

We were going to be staying with other friends just after Christmas so that we could all celebrate it again properly amongst real friends and our own sense of  'family'! I'd agreed that I would bring some nappies and onesies for us to dress up in. I also bought her a couple of dummies to open as a Christmas present!

When the party eventually came, I chickened out of dressing up but 'BamBams' (her baby name) decided to go for it. We put her in her nappy and buttoned her onesie on and then gave her her new dummy to suck on. BamBam regressed quite easily and naturally and drew out the maternal feelings of another close friend, Marie.

Watching BamBam and Marie play mummy and daughter was amazing. BamBam regressed more as Mummy bacame more maternal and vice versa. They both really enjoyed it and each got a real sense of connection on another level, a deeper level. They enjoyed it so much in fact that they created new 'roles' and that night, BamBam and Mummy were born!

Mummies Sexy Legs!

I had already met Marie a few times and I had felt a connection the very first time that we had chatted together properly. Marie was a self confessed sadist and loved tying people up and flogging them if they asked nicely enough. Truth was, there was a genuine warm, light and loving charm about her that complimented the deliciously dark side to her nature beautifully.

Unfortunately, at the time she was in a relationship with another guy and any hope of us exploring our connection further, was put on hold. It wasn't until she had moved on from the ending of that relationship that things really started to change. We agreed that we did had fun together and that we complimented each other in many kinky ways and wanted to explore things more between us, so decided to go for it and have some fun!

I was over the moon and on cloud nine! I told myself to just take things very slowly and see how it all develops and to just have fun. That was a couple of months ago though now and things have changed a lot since then!

Making Contact

I felt that I had 'turned a corner' so to speak when i first wet my nappy! Other ABDL's that I had chatted with on forums had said it would.. But I never really realized how much wetting my nappy would make me regress!

It really is very difficult indeed to feel like an adult when you are sucking on a dummy wearing baby clothes clothes with a wet nappy! it's that simple!

Picture taken by 'Nanny'

The TV Nanny I had been emailing was now in a position to invite me over to play my infantile role and I had bought the dolls and a few other things in preparation. I didn't even like dolls and thought that they were silly, especially for a grown man to own.

We set a date and with a mixture of excitement, apprehension, embarrassment and curiosity I drove to "Nanny's" house. At first I was dressed like a little girl for a while before I was told that I was 'acting like a baby... so should be treated like one'. I was bathed, dried and then put into a disposable nappy with a cute pink baby dress and ankle socks. I was then given a bottle of baby milk to drink.

I was then fed a meal of baby food and given another bottle of milk. Nanny then placed me down on the living room rug where I lay sucking on my dummy feeling very exposed and very unsure of myself. I was given another bottle to drink and it wasn't too long before i needed to pee. I wasn't sure if Nanny wanted me to wet myself so I told her I needed to go wee wee's. I was told to use my nappy as that was what it was there for!

It took me about 20mins before I could actually force myself to wet my nappy. after I wet my nappy a wave of 'manhood' came over me and I started to ask myself what the hell I was doing!?! There I was laying on my back in a strange mans house who liked to dress as a woman... while I myself lay there dressed like a baby girl, sucking a dummy with a wet nappy!

The whole experience was very weird and gave me conflicting emotions. However, not long after wetting my nappy, Nanny ended the role-play session and sent me home. It ended quite abruptly and I was confused as to what had happened to change things the way they did.

I learnt afterwards that 'Nanny' was getting quite aroused by my baby play and wanted to do naughty things with me that went against everything that we had previously agreed. I'm kind of glad I had the experience as it did start to clarify a few things in my mind as well.

I really did want to share this aspect of myself with someone and it had to be the 'right' person who kind of understood my needs and desires. I kept looking on various networking sites and forums but wasn't having any luck in finding a female carer. Then all that started to change very quickly when I finally started to open up to my kinky friends about my ABDL desires.

First Wet Nappy!

I was still going to fetish clubs and parties and would dress as a maid, or I would wear latex or some other kinky outfit, but I never dreamed as going as an adult baby! I had lots of kinky friends and some very close kinky friends but I still kept my AB side private. I still found it all very embarrassing and a bit weird!

The picture I sent to 'Nanny' of me with my doll

Then one day I got chatting to another local person. A TV/crossdresser that wanted to try being a 'Nanny'. We chatted for a while and was asked what adult baby things I had so far... I was told that I needed to buy a doll to bring with me! I found it difficult to buy a doll. I spent ages on eBay looking for a large doll to buy but I just felt silly doing so. However, 'Nanny' said to buy a doll, so I did!

It was about this time that I first plucked up the courage to actually wet my nappy! I can remember it being a really big thing at the time. I finally decided that I simply had to try it. I had been told by numerous online AB's that there is nothing more babyish than wetting your nappy. After drinking lots of milk and juice my bladder was full and I stood in the shower, just in case I leaked! I stood there for about 10mins really trying to pee, but I couldn't.

Even though I really wanted too and my bladder was full, I just couldn't let go. It was I had a built in mechanism that stopped me. I had another drink and tried again an hour later... by this time I was absolutely bursting! I stood in the shower again and tried again. I imagined I was stood at a urinal in a gents toilet and finally after another long agonising wait, a few drips started to emerge. I persevered and finally my bladder emptied itself into my nappy. I knew not to let it all go at once so that my nappy could absorb it quickly enough. Oh! the shame of actually wetting myself.

Reaching Out

A Picture that 'Nanny' Took

There was no doubt that I enjoyed being a big sissy baby girl. No doubts at all, but there was a big thing in the way that stopped me enjoying my baby side... Myself. Ultimately, my ego would inevitably switch back on again and I would see myself  in the full light of my 'Adult Male Ego'.

I could spend hours and hours at a time, sometimes all day and night dressed in a nappy and onesie and sucking on my pink dummy. I never used my nappies for what they were actually intended for...that was just tooo much! If I needed to pee, I would pull out of the leg cuffs and use the toilet like any other 'normal adult' would do.

I found that walking down the baby aisle in supermarkets, looking at the nappies, bottles, dummies and bibs etc would make my heart pound. I'd  wish that I had a magic ring that could make me smaller and fit into them all... but I didn't.

I had joined a couple adult baby social networks like 'Diaper Space' and 'care4baby' and now spent my hours trying to reach out and find someone to share this side of me with. I quickly realised that 99% of the people on there were men looking for the same thing as I was... A mummy, nanny or carer to baby them. I made a few online friends and actually met one of them because they were fairly local.

He was 28, still lived at home and his parents knew about his unusual hobby. He had converted his room into a nursery and actually slept in a cot! I couldn't believe that somebody could be that open about their lifestyle! After a few drinks and long chats, he invited me back to his nursery. I thought that it was all a bit weird and wasn't too sure of his intentions, so I shyly refused and went home.

In for a penny,... In for a pound

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a state of arousal wearing the nappy. It was then that I decided I wanted to explore this more... a lot more. It was like I had opened Pandora's box and I just wanted to dive in and taste it all... Now!

There were lots of things that I had read about that I wanted to try  or replicate and so I had to start to shop about for the various items of clothing and accessories. I wanted a dummy. A dummy is a constant reminder for the sissy of his juvenile status. I wanted to try even thicker nappies, so ordered large terry nappies and a pair of pink plastic nappy covers. I wanted some really babyish dresses and other clothes too and so began a long and large spending spree.

I worked from home running an eBay shop, so I had lots of time free to shop around. Also, with having constant money flowing through my pay pal account I always had to money to buy!

When my terry nappies and plastic pants turned up I got really excited. I had researched how to fold and put them on and couldn't wait to see how they felt. Other bits of clothing had started to turn up too and i was starting to build a small collection. My Nuk5 dummy and baby bottle had turned up and my obsession was absorbing more and more of my time and energy.

Similarly to when I was a teenager, the shame and guilt I felt after immersing myself in my 'baby' role for a while would snap me back into reality and I would hide all my babyish things again in a fit of shame and guilt. I was really confused about my desires and fantasies and how dressing like a toddler or baby made me feel.

On the one hand it all felt wonderful in that 'baby world', but on the other hand, my male ego part would take over and the fantasy would come crashing down leaving me with all the negative feelings I had associated with it all. I really wanted to share this with someone, but I just did not have the courage to reach out to anyone in person other than in online forums and chat rooms.

First Steps into babyhood - 3

I can still clearly remember when I finally plucked up the courage to put the first nappy on. I had just found a new website called  'Sissy Kiss' I had been reading some of the fictional fantasies and I had gotten really turned on by them.

One of the stories in particular (The Nursery) involved a young man being put in nappies by his wife and treated as a child, the mixture of torment, helplessness, humiliation and total submission overwhelmed me and I grabbed the nappies in sheer sexual frustration. I wanted to feel how they felt when I wore them.... I wanted to feel like the character in the story.

click image to enlarge

I unfolded the nappy and lay it flat on the bed. I then lay down on top of it and positioned myself where I thought I needed to be, with a few adjustments... It felt right. My heart was beating and my cock was starting to get hard again. I wanted to cover up quickly before i got any more aroused!

I pulled the sides in nice and tight and stuck the sticky tabs down securely. The plastic panel and pvc covering felt so nice!!! It took a lot of effort to stop stroking the nappy and drag myself off my bed to have a look at myself in the mirror. I was still really aroused and I could no longer see the ridiculousness of 'me' wearing the nappy.

I had a pink satin nightie and some cute pink ankle socks and thought they would complete my new look for the moment. I lay back down on the bed again totally immersed in the strange and yet exciting feeling I was getting from wearing the nappy. Dressed like I was I started to read more erotic sissy fiction at 'Sissy Kiss'.

First Steps into babyhood - 2

I was still exploring a particular 'niche' of sissyness and femdom that 'Prissy's Sissies' catered for and had I had totally forgotten about even ordering the nappies!

	When the nappies arrived I tore them out of the packaging and just looked at them for a while ... I was amazed at how authentic and babyish they actually were. I couldn't believe I had bought nappies! I hid them in the back of the cupboard. There was no way I was going to wear a nappy... just yet! I was embarassed enough at actually buying the damn things! The nappies sat there for about a week and each time I thought about getting them out to try them on, I would get all flustered and the 'adult male' side of me would take over and remind me how silly and humiliating all this sissy and baby stuff was!
However, there was still a little part of me that really wanted to try them on and it was usually after being absorbed in the world of  'femdom and sissies' that this urge would rise to the front again.

First Steps into babyhood - 1

I realised that there were many more 'sissy' roles than a maid yet to explore, each with its own particular flavour of humiliation and ridiculousness to it. I wanted to immerse my self in them all and taste each and every one of them. Having a steady income led me to buying all kinds of  'sissy' outfits to indulge my fantasies. 

actual photographs of me

Each new dress I bought was even more sissyish than the last and it was like i was on a quest to find the most humiliating 'sissy' role I could find! I became obsessed with schoolgirl outfits, really sissy and frilly pink dresses, numerous leotards and ballet stuff! I thought that you could not get anything more feminine, more sissyish than a guy to be dressed as a ballerina! I really got into the whole ballet thing though and ended up getting into it all more deeply than I had imagined.

It was kind of during the ballet obsession that I came across adult baby stuff for sissies online and after browsing, reading and fantasising  for a while I ended up buying a sample pack of the bambino adult baby disposable nappies on ebay (pictured left).

After coming across some amazing artwork in 'Prissy's Sissies' I knew I had found a new and even more humiliating role to explore! That of the male sissy baby/toddler/girl! I'd spend hours finding more of the atrtists work and other adult baby pictures and would fantasise that the sissies featured in the art was me!

How It All Began (Part 5)

It wasn't until I was 26 that I met a girl that not only got turned on with my dressing up, but with a little persuasion, she also explored bondage, domination and femdom too!

 It was a slow journey and my fantasies and desires were multiplying and evolving far quicker and deeper than she could ever really deal with. At heart she was a 'vanilla' girl that just wanted to please the one she loved!

The main focus of my fantasies were now femdom related and thoughts of being made to be a sissy maid for a cruel and demanding Mistress were interwoven with the fabric of my every day thoughts. Without doubt, I think the internet helped with my exploration and desires, until then I did not know what a sissy maid was!

For some reason, being totally feminised and dressed in over the top flouncy maid's dresses and heels... whilst being dominated, humiliated, used, abused and punished by a strong and dominant women, really got my cock hard. I would surf the internet for hours and hours looking for sissy maid stories, articles, images and porn and pheeeewwwww! there is an awful lot of it out there!

We were together for 8 years before we realised the relationship wasn't working and that we each needed different things out of it that the other person could not give. 34 and single again meant I could explore my kinky side without having to hide my actions any longer. It was during this period of time that I finally made my first steps into the world of the adult baby.

How It All Began (Part 4)

I loved the freedom that my new flat gave me!

I used to dress up pretty much most of the time, experimenting with different looks, shaving my legs and tenderly exploring my feminine side more and more.

My first experience of going out 'dressed' came at about aged 18. I remember how my heart pounded as I left the safety of my flat. Everything was going well until i was getting home and a group of teenagers spotted me and knew immediately i wasn't a girl! They started shouting all kinds of hurtful names and I was sure they were going to come after me to beat me up!... luckily they didn't, but I was really scared, humiliated and embarrassed at the time. I had pushed that memory so far back that I only remembered it as i have been typing this new blog.

Funnily enough, my second time out dressed was even more of a disaster! I was that scared of trying going out again that I really had to pluck up the courage to try it again and to make sure I went through with it, I posted my key as I left the flat so that I had to go and walk and get the pre-hidden spare key I had hidden some way away.

As I turned a corner, I was dragged into the back of a police van and accused of being a 'tranny prostitute'!!! Oh the shame of it all! I can laugh now looking back, but at the time I just wanted to die!. He wouldn't believe my defense and told me that he'd be watching out for me and let me off with a warning!

My love live was up and down, mainly due to my crossdressing. When it wasn't summer, I would shave my legs and was too frightened of all my friends finding i was a tranny. It wasn't until I moved away in my early 20's that I became comfortable to start telling my girlfriends and I was usually met with negative responses. There were some girls that liked it, but they were in the minority.

How It All Began (Part 3)

Being a teenager is already difficult as it is. Being a teenager with gender and identity issues is even more difficult!

I grew up on a small but rough council estate, My Dad was a violent and abusive alchoholic and Mum finally found the strength to kick him out when I was 7. I was the eldest of three brothers, I should have had an older brother but he died of a cot death before I was even born. This was what made my Mum even more protective of me when I was a baby... She told me that she used to sleep with her hand on my chest just to be absolutely sure that I was still breathing.

I was an intelligent and sensitive teenager and I was only too painfully aware  of how different I was to most boys my own age. Being the eldest, I was always the brother that my younger siblings had to look up to. I can hear mum now saying "why cant you be more like your brother?". Being a role model can be a huge responsibilty for a young boy! Luckily, I had the little box bedroom to myself, so I could indulge in my 'darkest' desires and escape the 'real' world and any of it's responsibilites.

I would go through cycles of collecting a few bits of girlie clothing; knickers, bra's, tights, suspenders and stockings, skirts, leotards... or whatever i could steal. As i was too shy, ashamed and had no money, I used to steal from washing lines! I would keep them for a while and then 'purge'... disposing of them all again to try and rid myself of the guilt? shame? and desire to wear girls / womens clothes and underwear.

This continued until I moved out at the age of 17. I got myself a nice little flat and started to build up a collection of dresses, shoes, wigs, make-up etc etc... I really wanted to look and 'pass' as a young woman, so i practiced.

How It All Began (Part 2)

For as long as I can remember, I have always enjoyed crossdressing and at one time or another questioned whether I wanted to be a boy or a girl.

My mum caught me, on a number of occasions, wearing her tights in bed when I was about 3 or 4.

When I was 7, I remember taking a black leotard from the school cloakroom that had been left laying around. I remember watching the girls wear them for gym and secretly, I wanted to wear one too. I used to wear it to bed quite often.

Even by the age of 7 I knew that I shouldn't be wearing 'girls' clothes! I knew I was a boy, but that did not stop me from wanting to wear girls clothes.  When I was 9 I had to wear a leotard and tights in a school play! I caused such a fuss because I was so  scared and did not want anybody to see me dressed like that. I was playing a crow, so it wasnt like I was playing a girls role... It was just that I probably felt embarrased or ashamed to be seen wearing that which I secretly desired!

Becoming a teenager was even more traumatic for me. I was already quite effiminate and I was often bullyed or labelled as being gay, so when I started to grow breasts... I was absolutely mortified! The Doctor said that the hard fleshy growths were just hormonal and would eventually go. The Doctor was right, but I felt like a freak for about 8 months or so until they went.

At one point I thought that I was going to become a girl! Yet as much as that scared me, a part of me thought that maybe I should be a girl and that nature, as cruel as it was, was just taking its natural course.

How It All Began (Part 1)

I haven't always wanted to be an 'adult baby'. It was something that I found, or it was something that found me much later on in life. So how or why would would an adult male want to dress up, play, act and want to be treated like a baby or toddler?

The honest answer is... I truly do not know!

I have analysed this very question over and over in my mind for a number of years now and I am still no closer to finding the answers. Maybe all the clues were right there in my childhood or the ingredients were all already there and it just needed a trigger, a catalyst to cause the events to unfold as they did.

Like I have said, I do not have all the answers, I truly do not know. All I do know now is that I don't really care anymore... It is simply a part of who I am. It has taken me a long time to reach this stage, to be OK with this aspect or side of me. This blog is intended to share that journey with you and to try and honestly portray my thoughts, feelings and desires along that journey that i have taken.

Ok, so as I have stated... I am an adult male and as I write this post I am 38 years of age. I started to become curious about 'adult baby' things when I was about 34.

Until then it was something I had absolutely no interest in and to be honest, I found it all a little bit wierd and well, you know... a bit wrong!

So, what is an 'adult baby'?

The term adult baby is a label given to adults that like to play, act or be treated like a baby or toddler. This play can, but doesn't always need to involve a wide variety of elements such as dressing like a baby, acting or being made to act like a baby, wearing and / or using nappies, being treated like a baby, sleeping in cots, playing with babies toys etc etc. One thing it does not have anything to do with is real babies or children!

There are too many types of adult baby for me to discuss here, nor do I want to.... The point of this blog is to describe my own journey and how that has led me to where i am today.