Being a teenager is already difficult as it is. Being a teenager with gender and identity issues is even more difficult!
I grew up on a small but rough council estate, My Dad was a violent and abusive alchoholic and Mum finally found the strength to kick him out when I was 7. I was the eldest of three brothers, I should have had an older brother but he died of a cot death before I was even born. This was what made my Mum even more protective of me when I was a baby... She told me that she used to sleep with her hand on my chest just to be absolutely sure that I was still breathing.
I was an intelligent and sensitive teenager and I was only too painfully aware of how different I was to most boys my own age. Being the eldest, I was always the brother that my younger siblings had to look up to. I can hear mum now saying "why cant you be more like your brother?". Being a role model can be a huge responsibilty for a young boy! Luckily, I had the little box bedroom to myself, so I could indulge in my 'darkest' desires and escape the 'real' world and any of it's responsibilites.
I would go through cycles of collecting a few bits of girlie clothing; knickers, bra's, tights, suspenders and stockings, skirts, leotards... or whatever i could steal. As i was too shy, ashamed and had no money, I used to steal from washing lines! I would keep them for a while and then 'purge'... disposing of them all again to try and rid myself of the guilt? shame? and desire to wear girls / womens clothes and underwear.
This continued until I moved out at the age of 17. I got myself a nice little flat and started to build up a collection of dresses, shoes, wigs, make-up etc etc... I really wanted to look and 'pass' as a young woman, so i practiced.
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