In for a penny,... In for a pound

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a state of arousal wearing the nappy. It was then that I decided I wanted to explore this more... a lot more. It was like I had opened Pandora's box and I just wanted to dive in and taste it all... Now!

There were lots of things that I had read about that I wanted to try  or replicate and so I had to start to shop about for the various items of clothing and accessories. I wanted a dummy. A dummy is a constant reminder for the sissy of his juvenile status. I wanted to try even thicker nappies, so ordered large terry nappies and a pair of pink plastic nappy covers. I wanted some really babyish dresses and other clothes too and so began a long and large spending spree.

I worked from home running an eBay shop, so I had lots of time free to shop around. Also, with having constant money flowing through my pay pal account I always had to money to buy!

When my terry nappies and plastic pants turned up I got really excited. I had researched how to fold and put them on and couldn't wait to see how they felt. Other bits of clothing had started to turn up too and i was starting to build a small collection. My Nuk5 dummy and baby bottle had turned up and my obsession was absorbing more and more of my time and energy.

Similarly to when I was a teenager, the shame and guilt I felt after immersing myself in my 'baby' role for a while would snap me back into reality and I would hide all my babyish things again in a fit of shame and guilt. I was really confused about my desires and fantasies and how dressing like a toddler or baby made me feel.

On the one hand it all felt wonderful in that 'baby world', but on the other hand, my male ego part would take over and the fantasy would come crashing down leaving me with all the negative feelings I had associated with it all. I really wanted to share this with someone, but I just did not have the courage to reach out to anyone in person other than in online forums and chat rooms.

First Steps into babyhood - 3

I can still clearly remember when I finally plucked up the courage to put the first nappy on. I had just found a new website called  'Sissy Kiss' I had been reading some of the fictional fantasies and I had gotten really turned on by them.

One of the stories in particular (The Nursery) involved a young man being put in nappies by his wife and treated as a child, the mixture of torment, helplessness, humiliation and total submission overwhelmed me and I grabbed the nappies in sheer sexual frustration. I wanted to feel how they felt when I wore them.... I wanted to feel like the character in the story.

click image to enlarge

I unfolded the nappy and lay it flat on the bed. I then lay down on top of it and positioned myself where I thought I needed to be, with a few adjustments... It felt right. My heart was beating and my cock was starting to get hard again. I wanted to cover up quickly before i got any more aroused!

I pulled the sides in nice and tight and stuck the sticky tabs down securely. The plastic panel and pvc covering felt so nice!!! It took a lot of effort to stop stroking the nappy and drag myself off my bed to have a look at myself in the mirror. I was still really aroused and I could no longer see the ridiculousness of 'me' wearing the nappy.

I had a pink satin nightie and some cute pink ankle socks and thought they would complete my new look for the moment. I lay back down on the bed again totally immersed in the strange and yet exciting feeling I was getting from wearing the nappy. Dressed like I was I started to read more erotic sissy fiction at 'Sissy Kiss'.

First Steps into babyhood - 2

I was still exploring a particular 'niche' of sissyness and femdom that 'Prissy's Sissies' catered for and had I had totally forgotten about even ordering the nappies!

	When the nappies arrived I tore them out of the packaging and just looked at them for a while ... I was amazed at how authentic and babyish they actually were. I couldn't believe I had bought nappies! I hid them in the back of the cupboard. There was no way I was going to wear a nappy... just yet! I was embarassed enough at actually buying the damn things! The nappies sat there for about a week and each time I thought about getting them out to try them on, I would get all flustered and the 'adult male' side of me would take over and remind me how silly and humiliating all this sissy and baby stuff was!
However, there was still a little part of me that really wanted to try them on and it was usually after being absorbed in the world of  'femdom and sissies' that this urge would rise to the front again.

First Steps into babyhood - 1

I realised that there were many more 'sissy' roles than a maid yet to explore, each with its own particular flavour of humiliation and ridiculousness to it. I wanted to immerse my self in them all and taste each and every one of them. Having a steady income led me to buying all kinds of  'sissy' outfits to indulge my fantasies. 

actual photographs of me

Each new dress I bought was even more sissyish than the last and it was like i was on a quest to find the most humiliating 'sissy' role I could find! I became obsessed with schoolgirl outfits, really sissy and frilly pink dresses, numerous leotards and ballet stuff! I thought that you could not get anything more feminine, more sissyish than a guy to be dressed as a ballerina! I really got into the whole ballet thing though and ended up getting into it all more deeply than I had imagined.

It was kind of during the ballet obsession that I came across adult baby stuff for sissies online and after browsing, reading and fantasising  for a while I ended up buying a sample pack of the bambino adult baby disposable nappies on ebay (pictured left).

After coming across some amazing artwork in 'Prissy's Sissies' I knew I had found a new and even more humiliating role to explore! That of the male sissy baby/toddler/girl! I'd spend hours finding more of the atrtists work and other adult baby pictures and would fantasise that the sissies featured in the art was me!

How It All Began (Part 5)

It wasn't until I was 26 that I met a girl that not only got turned on with my dressing up, but with a little persuasion, she also explored bondage, domination and femdom too!

 It was a slow journey and my fantasies and desires were multiplying and evolving far quicker and deeper than she could ever really deal with. At heart she was a 'vanilla' girl that just wanted to please the one she loved!

The main focus of my fantasies were now femdom related and thoughts of being made to be a sissy maid for a cruel and demanding Mistress were interwoven with the fabric of my every day thoughts. Without doubt, I think the internet helped with my exploration and desires, until then I did not know what a sissy maid was!

For some reason, being totally feminised and dressed in over the top flouncy maid's dresses and heels... whilst being dominated, humiliated, used, abused and punished by a strong and dominant women, really got my cock hard. I would surf the internet for hours and hours looking for sissy maid stories, articles, images and porn and pheeeewwwww! there is an awful lot of it out there!

We were together for 8 years before we realised the relationship wasn't working and that we each needed different things out of it that the other person could not give. 34 and single again meant I could explore my kinky side without having to hide my actions any longer. It was during this period of time that I finally made my first steps into the world of the adult baby.

How It All Began (Part 4)

I loved the freedom that my new flat gave me!

I used to dress up pretty much most of the time, experimenting with different looks, shaving my legs and tenderly exploring my feminine side more and more.

My first experience of going out 'dressed' came at about aged 18. I remember how my heart pounded as I left the safety of my flat. Everything was going well until i was getting home and a group of teenagers spotted me and knew immediately i wasn't a girl! They started shouting all kinds of hurtful names and I was sure they were going to come after me to beat me up!... luckily they didn't, but I was really scared, humiliated and embarrassed at the time. I had pushed that memory so far back that I only remembered it as i have been typing this new blog.

Funnily enough, my second time out dressed was even more of a disaster! I was that scared of trying going out again that I really had to pluck up the courage to try it again and to make sure I went through with it, I posted my key as I left the flat so that I had to go and walk and get the pre-hidden spare key I had hidden some way away.

As I turned a corner, I was dragged into the back of a police van and accused of being a 'tranny prostitute'!!! Oh the shame of it all! I can laugh now looking back, but at the time I just wanted to die!. He wouldn't believe my defense and told me that he'd be watching out for me and let me off with a warning!

My love live was up and down, mainly due to my crossdressing. When it wasn't summer, I would shave my legs and was too frightened of all my friends finding i was a tranny. It wasn't until I moved away in my early 20's that I became comfortable to start telling my girlfriends and I was usually met with negative responses. There were some girls that liked it, but they were in the minority.

How It All Began (Part 3)

Being a teenager is already difficult as it is. Being a teenager with gender and identity issues is even more difficult!

I grew up on a small but rough council estate, My Dad was a violent and abusive alchoholic and Mum finally found the strength to kick him out when I was 7. I was the eldest of three brothers, I should have had an older brother but he died of a cot death before I was even born. This was what made my Mum even more protective of me when I was a baby... She told me that she used to sleep with her hand on my chest just to be absolutely sure that I was still breathing.

I was an intelligent and sensitive teenager and I was only too painfully aware  of how different I was to most boys my own age. Being the eldest, I was always the brother that my younger siblings had to look up to. I can hear mum now saying "why cant you be more like your brother?". Being a role model can be a huge responsibilty for a young boy! Luckily, I had the little box bedroom to myself, so I could indulge in my 'darkest' desires and escape the 'real' world and any of it's responsibilites.

I would go through cycles of collecting a few bits of girlie clothing; knickers, bra's, tights, suspenders and stockings, skirts, leotards... or whatever i could steal. As i was too shy, ashamed and had no money, I used to steal from washing lines! I would keep them for a while and then 'purge'... disposing of them all again to try and rid myself of the guilt? shame? and desire to wear girls / womens clothes and underwear.

This continued until I moved out at the age of 17. I got myself a nice little flat and started to build up a collection of dresses, shoes, wigs, make-up etc etc... I really wanted to look and 'pass' as a young woman, so i practiced.

How It All Began (Part 2)

For as long as I can remember, I have always enjoyed crossdressing and at one time or another questioned whether I wanted to be a boy or a girl.

My mum caught me, on a number of occasions, wearing her tights in bed when I was about 3 or 4.

When I was 7, I remember taking a black leotard from the school cloakroom that had been left laying around. I remember watching the girls wear them for gym and secretly, I wanted to wear one too. I used to wear it to bed quite often.

Even by the age of 7 I knew that I shouldn't be wearing 'girls' clothes! I knew I was a boy, but that did not stop me from wanting to wear girls clothes.  When I was 9 I had to wear a leotard and tights in a school play! I caused such a fuss because I was so  scared and did not want anybody to see me dressed like that. I was playing a crow, so it wasnt like I was playing a girls role... It was just that I probably felt embarrased or ashamed to be seen wearing that which I secretly desired!

Becoming a teenager was even more traumatic for me. I was already quite effiminate and I was often bullyed or labelled as being gay, so when I started to grow breasts... I was absolutely mortified! The Doctor said that the hard fleshy growths were just hormonal and would eventually go. The Doctor was right, but I felt like a freak for about 8 months or so until they went.

At one point I thought that I was going to become a girl! Yet as much as that scared me, a part of me thought that maybe I should be a girl and that nature, as cruel as it was, was just taking its natural course.

How It All Began (Part 1)

I haven't always wanted to be an 'adult baby'. It was something that I found, or it was something that found me much later on in life. So how or why would would an adult male want to dress up, play, act and want to be treated like a baby or toddler?

The honest answer is... I truly do not know!

I have analysed this very question over and over in my mind for a number of years now and I am still no closer to finding the answers. Maybe all the clues were right there in my childhood or the ingredients were all already there and it just needed a trigger, a catalyst to cause the events to unfold as they did.

Like I have said, I do not have all the answers, I truly do not know. All I do know now is that I don't really care anymore... It is simply a part of who I am. It has taken me a long time to reach this stage, to be OK with this aspect or side of me. This blog is intended to share that journey with you and to try and honestly portray my thoughts, feelings and desires along that journey that i have taken.

Ok, so as I have stated... I am an adult male and as I write this post I am 38 years of age. I started to become curious about 'adult baby' things when I was about 34.

Until then it was something I had absolutely no interest in and to be honest, I found it all a little bit wierd and well, you know... a bit wrong!

So, what is an 'adult baby'?

The term adult baby is a label given to adults that like to play, act or be treated like a baby or toddler. This play can, but doesn't always need to involve a wide variety of elements such as dressing like a baby, acting or being made to act like a baby, wearing and / or using nappies, being treated like a baby, sleeping in cots, playing with babies toys etc etc. One thing it does not have anything to do with is real babies or children!

There are too many types of adult baby for me to discuss here, nor do I want to.... The point of this blog is to describe my own journey and how that has led me to where i am today.